Life as a Crash Test Dummy

Nerd alert...

Star Date : 04.13.2020 06:02:27 in the Alpha Quadrant

Beam me up Scotty, there does not seem to be intelligent life here,

I try to be a good friend, and in my mind I  really do. Sometimes I fail because I can't understand or interpret the signs and signals that are right in front of me, often times I have let so much time pass that the relationship (the friendship) has gotten stale or grown cold or some other malady has occurred, and I didnt see it happening. Everyone tells me I am the absolute worst at returning telephone calls. In this regard I am a Bum. I've had friendships die that still saddens me because I did nothing to prevent it. Sometimes they were not friendships and I never understood that.

It takes real effort to have friends. Cultivating friendships is much like growing plants I think. You have to have a secure environment, one that attends to the friendships needs of both people, you have to nurture it and you have to occasionally give it attention or like a plant, it may wither and die from a lack of attention.

Also in this equation is the notion that both people have to understand what the friendship is built on. I'm the kind of person that you don't have to talk to every day, I don't need a daily watering to keep a smile on my face if somebody says your name. Other folks need a lot of attention, you can't forget to call them, you can't forget their birthday, you can't forget to cal them or they let you slip down the scale until the connection sorta withers. I hate it when that happens. I never see it coming. I have a very good friend (or three) , that I can call or text whenever it strikes me and we pick up right where we left off (JL, SM, DC) like time hasn't passed and then something will come up to remind us that time has passed and I'm almost always stunned by that. No shit ? Three years? No way. WTF.! You have Grandkids now? What the hell!!

Life on this planet gets more bizarre every day

1. Last evening and through the night we had storms. SONOFABITCH we had storms. It rained like crazy, occasionally sideways rain and the wind was making crazy ass noises. We have big old pine and cedar trees that go down one side of my property and you could just hear the cracking and popping noises. It was nuts. I'm sure Brian will be picking up tree branches for days this week. Scared the hell out of the animals and humans that live here last night. We survived and it looks as if we have no damage at all but man it was scary.
   
   We had lots and Lots of wind, rain, thunder and lightning for about 6-7 hours. One of my dogs, my little Jack Russell gets so scared during a thunderstorm and last night specifically that he will come in and put both his front paws on my lap like I am supposed to hold him if he jumps up, while I am sitting on the toilet. He doesn't have a problem with the human being half naked, or the water underneath, but he wants HELD dammit! He shakes so bad and is so scared I think sometimes he is going to vibrate at just the right frequency and poof ! he will blink out of existence. He will be of of those Nine egotistical egotists easing in and out of existence.
2. There is a Geico Ad (for renters Insurance) running right now that has a couple talking about how they love their new apartment . it has a lovely view, its the right money, blah blah blah and then he says "It has a clogging problem", the scene cuts to a family living above them that clogs (dances like tap dancing) while they do everything making a shit ton of noise, as if you are just supposed to say "Oh well, that's life , whatcha-gonnado?"
   
   New Scene :
   Knock Knock : BANG BANG BANG (with force -  with a baseball bat)
   Clogging idiot answers the door, "Can I help you"
   Me : "What in the hell is wrong with you bunch of idiots? Don't you not understand there are people living under you?, -louder "DO YOU HONESTLY THINK I LOOK LIKE THE KIND OF SCHMUCK THAT IS JUST GOING TO IGNORE THIS. DAMN IT. STOP IT.
   
   YOU BUNCH OF DUMBASSES, HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF COMMON COURTESY. IF I HAVE TO COME BACK UP HERE I AIN'T GOING TO BE NICE ABOUT IT", muttering walking away - "Jesus H. Kickstand Christ on a crutch  how can people be so goddamn stupid....continues muttering". I would not advocate doing this if you can't stand getting punched.
   
   It's not real good and real friendly this is how you get along with your new neighbor advice, however it usually works. I've never had to go back a second time in 40 years of neighbors. Especially after they have heard me and my son going at it.
3. I have been called just about every name you can think of. I have a knack for inciting riotous behavior in people. You would think a 250+ pound guy with a bad attitude standing in front of you would inhibit folks from being obnoxious. But sadly, no people just don't believe you will act. See That's the problem. Most people would not. They play percentages.I have never been one to suffer fools or put up with shit so it's really stunning the look on someones face when this large person just goes exponentially OFF on their ass. You should see the mouth drop open, it amazing really. I've acted out too much in my life and it is a wonder I haven't been shot, or stabbed, but the honest truth is it doesn't worry me, it never has.
4. A friend of mine told me (MA) that I was a crash Test Dummy. He was right. I have a big mouth, I can take a punch and just in general don't give an enormous crap. I do try to consider others feelings until I get pissed off that is. I once got suspended while working as a restaurant manager, because of my temper. This man came through the front door and slung a bag of food that had some chili in it directly at me, splashed it all over my shirt (he was like me yes).
   
   My clean, long Sleeved, White Button down Oxford style shirt and tie, with CHILI all over me, he was talking, however I didn't hear him. I had already grabbed a bun board , jumped the counter and went after him calling him a slew of incestous nasty names. A couple of my employees tackled me and he got away. A customer called the office and complained. My boss accordingly then, suspended me. I protested and said "I was defending myself, he threw chili at me, what would you have done?' He said don't misunderstand me, I would have beat his ass, that's not why you are suspended.
   
   He said "Can't have you talking like that , we are a family restaurant."
   
   I enjoyed my three days off.
5. Here is a very surprising factoid for you.
   
   Believe it or not I do not argue with my wife. We have been married since 1998, I have known her since the 70's, and we have never really had an argument. You know why? I told her "I do not like to argue, I get too mad and say things you won't like, I don't fight fair, I fight to win, I will say things in anger that I can't take back". I said "Just say whatever you you want to me in the calmest voice you can muster, I promise to listen. And then I kept my promise. Somethings are just that important, some promises MUST be kept at all costs. She is the best person I have ever met and is the happiest circumstance I've ever had.
   
   Someday I will tell you about the time I married her with a towel in the back room of a Steak 'n Shake, right before I kissed her and shocked the crap right out of her. It was a blast.
   
   Another day however.
   
   See ya wouldn't wanna be ya,
   
   BigMike

One ping only Vasily, Give me a single ping

6:20 a.m. on Wednesday April 08, 2020

Dear Fellow weirdos and followers of weirdos,

There is a great Movie I just love called "The Hunt for Red October" from a book by the same name written by Tom Clancy. If you know it, then you don't need or even have to agree with my synopsis, however It's one where Alec Baldwin plays Jack Ryan and it has this great scene where the Captain of the Russian sub says the words in the title to his second in command. Great story, great Movie, weird that one of the worlds great scottish actors (Sean Connery) is playing a Russian  sub commander. Also fairly seamless how they switch from Russian to Scottish English in mid sentence in one scene and if you're not paying attention you just might miss it.

I'm one of those people who will latch onto a movie and if I happen to Like/Love said movie, will watch it over and over and over again, memorize the dialogue (ask my wife), quote dialogue at every opportunity (again, ask my wife) and will drive you insane using movie quotes and dialogue in everyday conversation until you are exasperated (again really ask my wife, she'll tell you, as justification for shooting me) and then drop a pop quiz on you asking "What Movie is that from?", non stop until you roll your eyes, sigh repeatedly and then with high drama will leave the room. Or at least she used to.

Now she worries the crap outta me. She knows every single one of my movie lines. She can finish my movie quote sentences for me. She doesn't roll her eyes any more, instead she now searches her brain looking in her mind's eye for the right movie to go with the dialogue I just blurted out so she can just say it and blunt my forward momentum. It's getting to be the scary because  I have to dig the deepest I ever have in order to get a quote over on her. I mean deep.

I have not yet resorted to cheating by using Google as a resource and planning in advance , however I'm not far away from it. She got a reference to "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" the other day and she HATES Sean Penn and that movie. It's right up there on the Porky's stupid list as she absolutely loathes the sophomoric stupid ass humor. I'm going to have to come up with strategies man, I don't know what else to do.

Please don't ask me to have normal conversations, I will be exposed for the inept  fraud I am.

The new word of the day is "SNOTBOX" 

1. Yesterday I learned there is a coronavirus death in America about every 45 seconds. Maily this is due to the high number of active cases and our huge population, however my immediate reaction was just "Yikes".
2. A story in the news today reports that when Boxer Mike Tyson, the 80's baddest man on the planet, (hell he still might be , I don't want to find out), was married to TV start Robin Givens, he rented out a zoo (The Bronx zoo maybe?) for the day while it was already closed for some reason. While touring the zoo he observed a silverback Gorilla "bullying" the other weaker , smaller Gorillas (allegedly).
   
   After this observation he supposedly offered a zookeeper $10,000 to open the cage and allow him to either fight the gorilla or to just punch him in his face , I was never clear one which one. Allegedly he said "I offered the attendant 10K to open the cage and let me smash him in his "SNOTBOX", however he declined". I'm not sure but the Gorilla may have escaped something there.
3. Is it just me or am I the only person who goes to bed at night only to go to work at a job I had from about 1989-1994 or so? I wake my wife up talking shit about being a restaurant manager , giving direction, talking to customers, hollering at "Dick to get me something from the back room." and other nonsense. Clear vivid memories from 27 years ago of bussing tables, taking out the trash, unloading supply trucks, the intensity of Lunch and Dinner hours , the phone ringing off the wall, all that stuff. Then I wake up tired as hell from working so damn much and can't go back to sleep and it 4 a.m. and time for my fat ass to get up anyway.
   
   Rinse, repeat , day after day. The only changes are sometimes the locations are different and occasionally the brand or the job is different. Sometimes I'm an assessor, sometimes a truck driver (all true jobs), sometimes a district manager. Work , work, work and amuse my wife , who is laying over there listening to me talk trash all night. It is damn goofy I tell you.
4. I am starting to wonder how we lived this long as a species , considering all the lawyer ads on TV that keep coming up talking about how the jobs or activities we had, may now mean we are owed compensation by somebody or some organization. Asbestos, Talcum Powder, hearing aids, Mesothelomia and on and on.
   
   Someday I can hear it now "Were your feelings ever hurt or did you develop an ass-rash from a meme you were exposed to on Facebook or Instagram or other social media ? If so you may be owed compensation if you were not offered a safe space to cry about it. Call us now at 1-800-Butt Hurt
5. I installed a solar powered battery charger to the battery on my jon boat. I'm going to mount it today. The battery will never be left uncharged again. I am so smart. It will probably blow up knowing my luck, but cha know. I named my boat "Dain Bramaged". Kinda fits don't it?

Do you feel more like a cow now?

Tuesday April 7th, 2020

Reporting from Earth for 3 score and two years now....

Mork calling Orsen , Mork calling Orsen,

They live among us these freaks of nature for whom we have no real explanation for. Some play beautiful instruments, some are genius mathematicians and other are fine physical specimens and dominate our sports for the entire generation.

Then there's this guy. Read on.

Five interesting scary stupid and annoying things

1. There is a story in the news this morning I laughed at pretty good. Not to laugh at stupid people in ignorant circumstances, however one of the men involved seemed to be a truly ignorant soul.  Some guy (I don't know the details) broke into a house. The occupants of the house heard him (The wife heard him), wakes up her husband who is a  championship caliber MMA  FIGHTER, and tells him to go find out what the hell with the guy yelling loudly downstairs is all about.
   
   Dutifully, MMA husband goes downstairs while wife and children shelter in a spare bedroom and call the police. All hell breaks loose, and in the ensuing fight , elbows , knuckles, knees and fists are employed in spurious fashion and the guy just keeps coming back for more. He gets the holy crap beat out of him and finally the MMA Fighters mother in law hands him a butcher knife, the guy is subdued, cops arrive, arrest the guy, who by the way is an absolute bloody mess. As he is being led away he looks at the MMA fighter dude and says "Sorry Man."
   
   Some kinds of drugs are bad for you said Mr. Mackie . mmm-kay.
2. We bought a Subaru Forester about one year ago, its a 2019 model. I researched it on a lot of places and looked it up and read about it on Consumer reports among other places. Its rated very highly in every category. Safety, Resale value, Crash Survivorship , and a few other characteristics are all number one and depending upon whom, you believe it is rated as the number one vehicle in North America. A very close second is the Toyota RAV4 , which my daughter bought for herself.
   
   The only thing is the liftgate on the back. That damn thing has a mind of its own. I've read the owners manual, asked Subaru about it, read about it online and researched it just about every way possible. I cannot predict when its going to open if you use either of two key fobs or the button on the interior. Its seems to have programming which rewrites itself on the fly. Its sorta maddening, however we are nothing if not adaptable, so we just scurry our little fatasses out of the car and hit the button on the outside to open it for now. I have to remember to mention this to my wife the next time she takes it in for service, to have this inspected for spectral alliances.
3. Did you hear that the Prime Minister of England, Boris Johnson, is hospitalized in the ICU in a hospital in England? He is in critical condition , is very ill and just might not make it. I don't know much about the guy except to say he was a major player in Brexit and a lot of folks don't like him. I would not wish this crap on my worst enemy. Hope he recovers, as no one deserves to die like this shit kills you.
   
   The situation is bad enough, that the Queen herself gave an address to the nation yesterday, which BTW, almost never happens anymore. Not that you care, I just found it to be telling. At first, they did decline to treat anyone thinking it would just run its course and naturally immunize everyone in the country. Changed their tune limey-quick on that one i'll tell ya.
4. I live in a small county of  maybe 40K people? We were discussing the other day that maybe we should see about moving to a cave or a big ass tent for the duration. Can you get away from this shit? Probably not. I'm trying to be very careful because I am the target demographic for the poor bastards who die from this nightmare.
5. I just read one of the great quotes of all times. Read it for your self on Instagram on the profile of @SteveWinterPhoto . In talking about the practice of the Chinese and other people buying meats from so called "wet markets", and then cooking Tigers and Lions and etc, with the object being to somehow inherit the strength or characteristics of the animal being eaten.
   
    He said something like "Don't eat Exotic meats and products made from exotic animals. Do you somehow feel more like a cow when you eat a cheeseburger?".

I can't beat that, I'm out.

BigMike

I hear 45 caliber is just the right size

Monday April 6th, 2020 at purt near 5:30 a.m.

Look over yonder and sech and see ifn Grandma is home,

Hey younguns,

As you may know or not, I have a very high level of disregard for most advertising in most forms at most levels. Everything from the crap they hang on shopping buggies (yes, damn it,  I said buggies) and put up on the side of Taxi Cabs to the junk they hang in fast food restaurants to the crappy television characters they create. They (the advertisers and the agencies responsible) create this crap and then they barrage you with it over and over and over, until you want to shoot the TV screen or change the channel at the very least. The ones I hate the most right now are produced by Liberty Mutual and star that sonofabitch Doug and his stupid Emu. That comes on in any form and I am quick draw McGraw with the mute button or I will change the channel. It straight pisses me off to have to watch or even listen to that drivel.

My wife says I am taking it to the extreme as most people can simply ignore it or leave the room. I have to curse at it and take some kind of action. When it comes to advertising and the mute button I am my own voice over actor and am a drama King. Same with the dumbass Gecko and I especially have a huge loathing wide fiery space in my heart that was full of kindling and a raging bonfire for the stupid BOX character from Progressive. I know it seems like its all Insurance, however trust me, that's just right now. I have a lot of hate in a lot of varieties for a lot of that stupid shit. If your company puts out this nonsense, trust me, I won't buy squat from you for any reason unless and until you cease and desist with the crap.

Here's one thing I want to know though? Why does the woman in the State Farm commercial care what "Jake from State Farm" is wearing , and I wonder why in the hell that was her first question? What if Jake had been someone like me who would have recognized the female change in voice and responded with something like "What do you want me to be wearing honey?". I wonder why wasn't she shown as embarrassed after she asked such a stupid question or why didn't she at the very least apologize to her husband? What did she think he was doing at 3 a.m. in the living room fully clothed asking questions? Listening to a video of Pornhub on the phone? It's just ridiculous and they are just stupid (or we are I'm not sure).

Deep Dives are sometimes boring not scary

1. I am noticing stories that are starting to become more prevalent about how ammunition is becoming scarce. People are buying more and more and stocking up ( is it because they are scared?), and the usual places are running low on supplies. One of the people I follow on Facebook had a post where said he thought folks might be wiping their asses with it, hence the 45 caliber reference in the title, relating hoarding of bullets to the shortage of TP.
   
   Anecdotally it seems like shooting, home invasions, daytime robberies and burglaries are on the rise so maybe there is something to that element. It would be a mistake for anyone to come here as everyone who lives here is armed most of the time. Oh well. Buy bigger trash bags I suppose.
2. I was educated about the existence of a concept / video / theory called "Event 201" yesterday. I have not had a chance to look at it or research it so this is not my opinion on it, but at first glance it looks interesting. If you have more knowledge I'd be interested in hearing about it.
   
   Also apparently there are numbers which further illustrate the death issue surrounding Covid-19 and a different static measurement where by Closed Cases  (Had the disease and either survived or did not, the disease had fully run it s course) and Deaths as a percentage of those cases are around 21%.
   
   The death rate usually is expressed as a percentage of all cases (diagnosed, under treatment, survived and Died) versus those who have died. It is a different way to express the number and it excludes those diagnosed and in active treatment, unless the disease has run it course. I'm not sure I understand the significance.
3. The US Surgeon General Vice Admiral Jerome Adams (who is usually but not always a symbolic position),  was quoted yesterday as saying (sic) "The next week will be our Pearl Harbor event", apparently he was referencing the rising death toll of the illness called Covid -19. Scary when anyone talks like this.
4. How the hell does a tiger test positive for Covid-19 in a zoo, when there are allegedly not enough tests for humans to take, the labs are allegedly backed up for days/weeks and the vast majority of humans have no idea of their own exposure or status ? There is something odd and wrong about this and I'm not sure I get the logic.
5. Went to Home Depot yesterday. Had to pick up some drywall. Wow !!, What an amazing Clusterfied forcible anal penetration that was.
   
   First go stand in line, in the sun (and I mean all bunched up , but not me!!), then only one way in the store, one way only, one way to go shop, pay, exit either at the pro loading zone or the garden center.
   
   Placing an order ahead of time to limit time spent was pointless as even though the email said your order is ready , it was not and it took 30+ minutes once we pulled into the loading zone to get our drywall and the rest of the items we ordered. I know companies are trying to do their best to help us survive, however I have no idea what good they thought this did. Apparently they are only allowing a certain number in the store at once however it was pretty negated by the bunching around both doors, it was a little crazy.
   
   Have a wonderful sunny day friends and for God's sake, don't step in the dog poop!!

Big Mike

Its either a birthday or an anniversary today

Sunday 04/05/2020 at 6:00 a.m.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Open the door dumbass, you saw me through the peephole,

Hello people persons who achieved maximum human waste control with the use of clean water,

Once upon a time in Indiana my parents got married. Later they also celebrated the birth of my youngest brother. One of those events took place on April 5th and the other on April 6th. I'll be damned if I can ever remember which one is which. So between today and tomorrow happy bithaaversay Geo. I can't ever get it right. I could cheat and look at my calendar, but wheres the fun in that?

Unidentified mental objects from the Multiverse

1. I live in Georgia. Our illustrious Political leader, Our Brilliant Governor of the (R) behind his name variety, the brilliant man who gave us shotguns pointing at children in his political ads, the Brainiac who as Secretary of State for Georgia enacted reforms which kicked thousands of legitimate voters off the voting rolls because of the use or non use of commas, the man who did not know the meaning of the word asymptomatic until Wednesday despite several and repeated attempts to educate him, that guy, Brian Kemp, has decided to re-open the states parks and beaches as part of his stay at home and shelter in place order. Stay at home and go to the beach. OK. Huh?
   
   He's also decided that any local leader who refuses to do so, faces jail time for disobeying his executive order. I shit you not. Please do not ask me to explain the logic  it as I have no understanding of stupidity as complete as this. It is as completely faulty logic and is as ignorant a thought process as I have ever seen. This man is a complete idiot. He will probably get re-elected.
2. 10 Million people have filed for Unemployment in the last two weeks. Without regard for your political bias in understanding or explaining these numbers, that's a lot of fucking people out of work at once. Not including any of the people they never count anyhow, KA-Pow - Bam no job. See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.Too bad so sad, Little Timmy has to put water on his cereal now. Even if they get unemployment, it won't be anywhere near what they are used to receiving from their jobs, and won't last near long enough to pay the bills.
   
   3.3 million last week and 6.6 million this week.
   
   To make matters worse guess what infrastructure is not robust enough to handle this kind of unforseen influx? That's right, State unemployment web servers, who have been crashing like a 16 year old taking driving lessons from Ferris Bueller. Not to be a purveyor of doom and gloom, but the projections say this could be in a range of 20-40% unemployed before it peaks and no we ain't even close to peaking yet, nowhere near it.
3. In the same vein of data mining but a different kind of  mineral, overall numbers don't tell the complete tale. As bad as those dumbass numbers sound here are some even more ignorant ones. Depending upon where you live and what size your town is, those numbers could be even worse. If your city has a vibrant and diverse employment base then you may not see anywhere near this kind of damage. You may never reach 15%. Yay! Silver Linings huh?
   
   However, if your town is largely dependant on a single style of industry . say like carpet mills for example, and you live in a town or county  of say 40,000 folks, you could be looking at the higher end of the scale. Image if your town suddenly had 16,000 people unemployed and all of them had to stay at home. Booo- No Silver Lining Huh? Just be glad you don't live in a coal town that they are going to revitalize somehow.
   
   Talk about a growth industry ? The criminal and divorce lawyers will be having their best year ever. Geeze. I hope I am so wrong I get laughed at and it never happens.
4. You remember Samuel L. Jackson  reading the book "Go to fuck to sleep?"
   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cb0t9TUNLpg
   
   There is a new one. Samuel L. Jackson has a new reading called " Stay the Fuck at Home."
   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nOaLKJHsFRQ
   
   Both are vulgar and both are funny as hell.
   Be forewarned, both contain the "F" word.
   Click the links to watch them.
5. You can tell how bored people feel and how isolated they are if you read Facebook a lot. Where Meme's used to rule the day, there are now posts with actual user created content. Haven't saw that for 6-8 years or so. I've been asked to play along in several categories this week alone. Specific  Pictures, songs, Camera rolls and what not are all being used to stir up creativity. Also more and more quizzes and things like what does your astronomy sign say about you. One said because I was a Sagittarius that apparently because of that, I am Satan. Go figure.

Go have fun kids, play outside in your own yards, and stay in the backyard. Don't let the damn dog out either. Mommy and Daddy have to finish making the bouncy construction noises. We will let you know when the doors are unlocked again.

Bye-

BigMike