10 Steps to Bragging about what you are doing for the American Taxpayer
Or how politicians say they are saving you Money , therefore leading to their own re-election because of their historic voting , strong record and pro-business stance.
- Propose a program that will lead to some dubious untested benefit that does not have to be quantified, qualified or proven. Do not worry about whether or not the program will work as the other party will bash it greatly no matter what you say nor what you do.
- Come up with a final cost number in the Press release for the announcement of the Program something on the order of "Senator X says 60 Billion dollar jobs plan will help economy".
- Also somewhere in the statement guess at the number of "jobs" (or other benefits) that will be created as a result of implementing your plan. "Senator X says his job plan will create 2500 jobs."
- Ignore and do not count any jobs that are lost as a result of the plan and always count low paying non union jobs that replace high paying or unionized jobs as equal positions. For reference please see "NAFTA - What the hell happened to my job , by Dr. Suess"
- Create rules for implementing the program that keep out the Riff Raff, meaning anyone who has no need for the money created by this program.
- Add up the final expenses for the program and narrowly define as expenses only those items you really cannot blame on someone else. Assume this number is half of the original estimate no matter what the facts say.
- Add up the final jobs you say were created for the program and narrowly define as a created job every item for which tips, wages or barter like trading was used to pay anyone like a paperboy, your babysitter or the morning wino you give spare change to on your way to work. Include the homeless bum who holds the "Will work for food sign at the Interstate". Assume this number is double the original estimate no matter what the facts say.
- Form exploratory committee and PAC to advise you on important issues. Staff both organizations with your cronies. Loan both organizations your top speechwriters. Have everybody except you put out press releases and articles to newspapers etc, saying what a wonderful job your program did for the American People. Have both organizations distort the facts and further muddy the waters by claiming wild claims like for example Tell one of them to say Your program has cured AIDS.
- Book several appearances on Sunday Morning Talk shows and talk to Important Newspaper writers, television news celebrities Like Anderson Cooper, Wolf Blitzer. Make no public comments until you begin to speak out on the issues.
- Announce you are running for President and then ask for time to set the record "straight" in order to counter claim some of the more wild things that have been said in the past few days. Announce that your program saved the American Public 30 Billion dollars (Even though you actually spent 30 Billion dollars) and that it created 5000 jobs and spent less money than was projected in order to do so. Call this productivity at its highest level and then spend some time being humble , admitting somebody got it wrong by saying your program was a cure for anything.
Cue Pictures of Family.
Fade to black.
Ride to Elected office in big black limo smoking fat black stogie.
Life is good.
